I wasn't going to post this. I wasn't going to be one of those people who cried out all over the internet with my pain. I didn't think I needed that. I didn't think I needed to do something so public and so dramatic.
But here I am, typing this out. Crying all over my keyboard and trying to deal with the pain of loss. On Friday June 8 at 6:55 pm, I said goodbye to my best friend and companion, Gryffon. He was 13 years and 3 months old. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. I miss him so much.
Gryffon was not like every other dog. He didn't like everyone he met. He rarely paid much attention to other people except if he really liked them. Then he'd make a small fuss over them and let them know they were appreciated. But he loved me. I was his everything and he followed me around towards the end of his life as if just having me near him made him happy. Having him near me made me happy too. I wish I had told him that more...but he knew. I showed him my love every day. And he did the same. Sometimes he could make everything okay just by being near me. I don't know how he did that.
When we have someone in our lives that anchors us and keeps us happy, we often forget what it was like before we had that anchor. I had become so accustomed to having Gryffon keep me happy that I had forgotten what it was like to feel alone. Now my days at home seem so pointless and long. He really gave me a lot of purpose and I never realized how being his mommy made me feel so needed and loved.
There's an old saying that you shouldn't cry because it's over, you should be thankful that it happened. But you know what? Old sayings don't mean much to me right now. As happy as I am that Gryffon graced my life, all I am left with is the feeling that my heart has been ripped in half and now half of me is missing. He lived his life with dignity and died with such peace. I wish I could honour him by being dignified in my grief but I cannot. It has ripped me apart inside and I wail and cry with all the self-pity of a child. Goodbye my friend, the only thing keeping me going right now is the thought that someday maybe we'll be reunited somehow. Run free until then. xo
4 comments:
I'm sorry, Janet. I had no idea you were dealing with this!
Thanks Chelle,
It's been a rough time but it gets a little better each day. For the first 3 days I woke up with anxiety attacks...it was a bit terrifying. I'm less anxious now as long as I don't think about it too much. Crying still makes it hard for me to breathe. :\
Aww Janet, that's so sad. I'm really sorry for your loss. I think Gryffon was your "lifetime dog", as described by Jon Katz in "A Good Dog":
"Lifetime dogs intersect with our lives with particular impact; they're dogs we love in especially powerful, sometimes inexplicable ways. While we cherish other pets, we may never feel that particular kind of connection with any of the rest. For the lack of a better term, they are dogs we fall in love with... You could argue that until the end of one's life with dogs, it isn't possible to say which was your once-in-a-lifetime dog. In my experience, though, people do usually know, if they are fortunate enough to have one."
Scout was my lifetime dog, and I still miss him and the connection we had. It's a very special thing to have had that experience with a dog, but it makes the parting so much more heart-wrenching. I understand how hard this would be for you, and I send you my condolences and warm thoughts.
Lara
Thanks Lara, it has been a difficult time. I remember how special Scout was. I also remember how you felt after you lost him. :(
You may be right in your assessment of Gryffon as a lifetime dog however I do also tend to lose myself when any pet dies. I have always been this way...even when they were just little birds or even sometimes fish! I think I would have made a terrible veterinarian!
Gryffon was definitely the most difficult loss I've experienced thus far and though it was horrible, I still feel like the possibility of feeling that unconditional love is worth the risk.
I am not going to be ready for another dog for a while. His memory is too precious to try and duplicate it. Also, it wouldn't really be fair to the next dog to expect it to be like Gryffon. So for now I am just going to try and get used to being without him. I still find myself weepy about him when I think about him too much however I am finding that getting out of the house and keeping busy does help.
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